Maybe I do believe in signs - that the universe somehow conspires to provide us with guides or plant visually aesthetic material in perfect viewpoint to nudge you in that certain direction. It is quite mad to believe that two people are ‘meant to be’ or that destiny or fate somehow plays a part in an incredible almost fiction-like storybook type romance.
That I met you when I did…
But surely I was just a stranger to you as you were to me. How did we grow to be so close? Out of all the people I’ve ever known I feel more myself with you. And how did we end up here? Remind me again because it’s all a blur.
Yes we were just strangers. But had I only known then what I know now about the way I feel for you, for us. I would have spent every moment kissing you, holding your hand, capturing your beauty behind the frames of a Nikon 5100 that most often casually sat around on a desk or in my bagpack. Because now I am left wishing I had more indispensable memories of the time we spent together, however short-lived. I should have thought to do it. But then, what good would it have done? We would still have this distance set between us and we would still feel this hopelessly star-crossed. Wouldn’t we?
We are from completely different worlds. If there was such a thing as a parallel dimension, you would be my mirror. You reflect the bad in me that I should change and highlight the good in me that I need to remember.
I never told you this, but, I knew I loved you from the moment you held me on that deck as we watched the rain pour down unto the body of water that stretched out beneath us. My emotions were running high and with you I felt like I didn’t need to struggle and choke on my useless words as I always do to try and explain myself, to give reasons for why I grew so silent. You innately knew just what to do and what to say to comfort me. I felt liberated. I listened to your heartbeat the rest of that night it was the only thing that could calm me.
We kissed for the first time that same night. I wonder if you remember it the same way I do. It felt like you were someone I’d known for a very long time, maybe an old friend, or a forgotten lover from some sort of past life. Embracing a complete stranger who felt more like home to me than any house I’ve ever lived in, I could never imagine anything more surreal.
When you left.
I admit I was angry. Mad at you, mad at myself. I had these questions scattered in my mind. Why did you have to leave? Why did I? If we had been a little braver, we could still be doing all those things. Holding hands, skin against skin, staying up all night reminiscing about who we have been and who we are now and where we want to go, we’d be taking long walks and getting lost then finding our way back, but we’d be together. All I want is for us to still be together.
Now the anger has passed.
But I tell you this,
I miss you. Every single day. Every moment of my life that you’re not a part of and every morning that I don’t get waking up to your sunshine face next to mine, I miss you.
As much as the sun misses the moon.
I promised myself not to cry and not to ever think of you, because you left me alone on that beautiful island. I felt abandoned. But the days went by and you found ways to keep our connection alive and I felt less rejected. And here we are still worlds apart and each day I wonder when I’d get the chance to see you again. Until then, my dreams of you are all I have to get me by.
All I do is get by. You will read this and you will realize I’m not all brazen and barricades, I’m not as strong as you probably thought I was. You make me vulnerable; when I’m with you I have no walls and that is why I love you. But I am also afraid of loving you, because I think you are the only person capable of ripping my soul apart.